Why sell a chair, when you could sell a solid gold throne that has undergone such extensive renovations that it is now basically made of wood? And why not have a reason for learning French, like the need to establish contact with a colony of French speakers as part as your attempts to woo one of them?

When I write small ads, I like to make them exciting, and fun to read, so that people remember them. Too many small ads are boring, so why not make fun ones?

Read my fun small ads here.

A Kilner Bottle That Has Engaged In Piracy - Free

2017-05-18

Pirates liked to say ah-hoy matey, and liked buried treasure, booty, making people walk the plank, rum, and other such things as they sailed the seven seas. Despite their romantic image, pirates were (and still are as piracy is as common today as it ever was) actually quite mean people who enjoyed violence, stealing, and generally being somewhat antisocial, so I don't suggest emulating them.

However, one of the few things they did that was nice and pleasing was drink rum. Rum is delicious. Being as rum is delicious, it makes up for many of the unpleasant aspects of pirates.

I have a former pirate 1 litre Kilner bottle. As it used to be a pirate, it's had rum in it so you might want to wash it out properly with a decent brush.

It is free and if you would like it, please email me

Beer bottle lid adder - £2

2017-05-15

Getting bottle tops back onto beer bottles is an incredibly arduous process, it's also incredibly dangerous, as it involves gnashing onto those bottle tops with your powerful molars, to crush those crown corks back onto those beer bottles. Manipulating beer bottles with teeth is very dangerous, and frequently results in lost teeth, which then have to be repaired. However, unlike the more common removing of beer caps with teeth, adding beer caps results it slightly different compression injuries to the teeth. Dentists love this, which is why they buy all implements for removing or adding bottle caps, so that no one else can buy them, thus bringing a steady stream of dental accidents their way. At least, that's what the corrupt dentists who work on Ferenginar do.

Fortunately, you can save your teeth with this delightful bottle capper. It's a good bottle capper, and excellently adds crown corks to bottles in a way that only a bottle capper can do. This will spare your teeth from having to clamp those lids onto bottles, it's also easier to use, because you can use your arms, which is much more ergonomic than using your teeth, and it's quicker too because one push is all you need.

Potential uses for the bottle capper include:<br>Bottling your own homebrew<br>Re-lidding your beer mid beer beverage pouring to save it for another day<br>Re-lidding empty bottles of beer that you've willed with orange coloured water to take to a house party (I recommend you only do this with bad beer that no one will notice the difference)

This fantastic, teeth and beer saving tool is available now for just �2!

Please email me if you are interested.

1 Cup Stovetop Espresso Pot - £5

2017-05-15

Coffee is one of the most delicious beverages. Along with being delicious, it is really tasty, and contains the most wonderful pharmacological agent of caffeine. When I used to be a night shift trifle factory dude, I discovered that coffee actually contains more caffeine than Red Bull per serving, and is more delicious, so it is definitely a superior beverage. Coffee is also so awesome as a beverage that it is the world's second most important traded commodity after oil.

What better way to make it more delicious than to make it stronger, richer, deeper, and altogether more powerful, by concentrating that coffee into a smaller serving?

Well, now you too can enjoy such a delicious hit of caffeine in a handy low volume portion, with a stovetop espresso pot! This is a brilliant way to make your own delicious homebrewed espresso. As delicious as espresso is, it is surplus to my requirements, as I need far larger quantities of coffee to survive than can be served by such a small espresso pot. However if you are beginning your coffee drinking lifestyle, this is a great way to get you started towards becoming a coffee fiend.

If you would like to buy this stovetop espresso pot, please email me

Free - 16 Felt Furniture Pads

2017-05-11

Horseshoes are attached by some form of skill by farriers, who are skilled at putting shoes onto horses. This is really quite difficult and so only skilled people may attach such things to horses. I'm incredibly bad at being a farrier, or indeed anything horse related, which is why I am not one. In fact I'm so bad at anything horse related that I've confused chickens for horses at the farm. Chickens tend to peck people who try attaching horseshoes to them, so there are important health and safety implications to knowing which farm animals are which when working as a farrier.

However, if you want to be an amateur farrier, and want to attach shoes onto your furniture instead, then felt pads are your ticket to doing so! When you attach felt pads onto your furniture, you can live your dream of being a farrier, without being illegal while doing so. Also furniture doesn't usually kick you, so it's much safer.

The felt pads I needed for my furniture were sold in packs of 18, and I needed 20, so there's a pack with 16 surplus that are free to a good home. Not only can you enjoy pretending to be a farrier (and even persuade your children to do your DIY for you if they have an equestrian related career ambition), but they can also help prevent your furniture scratching your floors.

If you would like them, please email me and I will bring them in.

Free - Castor Cups

2017-05-10

One of the things pieces of furniture find most entertaining is playing "the floor is lava", which is a most excellent game whereby the furniture pretends that the floor is in fact lava, as opposed to more usual floor materials, such as carpets, tiles or the wooden decking that is more usual in more exciting environments such as pirate ships.

My computer desk was banned by all the other computer desks from playing the floor is lava unfortunately, because my computer desk used to cheat.

Since my computer desk wants to play the floor is lava again, the castor cups it used to use are no longer necessary, but it has to get rid of them in order to rejoin its furniture friends in playing the floor is lava.

If you would like your furniture to cheat on the floor is lava, or just want to protect your floors from scratching caused by castors, then I have a set of 4 castor cups free to a good home.

Please email me if you are interested.

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